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 Jessie's rp training!

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natsmycat
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PostSubject: Jessie's rp training!   Sat Dec 08, 2012 3:45 pm

Okay, so Bolt and I are going to help you practice rping. Here is how it's going to work. We are just going to rp like normal but every time you post, I'll tell you what you did well and what you need to fix okay! We'll even start in your favorite place to rp.




Location: A large lake with a waterfall. Behind the falls is a cave. It is surrounded by a forest.

Prey: Deer and rabbits

Predictors: Other wolves and bears

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Wild and Cat, the wildcat crew
awesomeness by Phoenix
and of coarse little Lullaby too!
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Sun Dec 09, 2012 3:55 pm

I'll start.

Cat walks up to the waterfall and takes a sip of water. Bolt and Jessie follow quickly behind. She tried to stay quiet, so she would scare off the other animals. "Shhh" she whispered. "If we stay quiet we can kill one of those deer after we take a drink." Cat took one more sip before looking at Bolt and Jessie. "You can try to help us." Cat suggested to Jessie. "It'll be good practice."

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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Mon Dec 10, 2012 5:41 am

Bolt arrived in the place.He stood quiet and got to Cat.He got ready the group hunting is more easy than alone, yes he was hunter but hunt is difficult.Set dawn to Jessie and Cat waiting for Jessie to agree to hunt.Bolt looked at the water around.


Last edited by Bolt on Thu Dec 27, 2012 3:52 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Mon Dec 10, 2012 11:57 pm

"Ok ill help"whispered jessie.Stands behind Cat "what do i do my parents
never let me hunt" i whispers in Cat's ear.Takes a sip of water.
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Wed Dec 12, 2012 5:45 am

Bolt nods in agreement.Lowerd head and drinks water.He waits for Cat to say we start the hunt.He knew where to bite to kill the prey easy-it's neck.Bolt was neourvus even it's a hunter because you can be wounded or be killed.In his old pack he was hunting bisons.He was the best hunter of his leader-father but was banned from his pack.Bolt reminded this moment.Bolt shaked head to clear mind and focused at the prey.
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Wed Dec 12, 2012 3:45 pm

Jessie's review!

First off, you said ill instead of I'll. Secondly, try to put a space after periods. All grammar aside it was an OKAY post. It could have been a little longer though! I'm trying to be tough on you! Like my history teacher!
____________________________________________________________

_________________
The Cat came back, the very next day
awesomeness by Karsy
Wild and Cat, the wildcat crew
awesomeness by Phoenix
and of coarse little Lullaby too!


Last edited by natsmycat on Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:03 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:00 am

Okay back to rp!

"It's okay Jess." Cat comforted . "Just follow our lead. She bent down in the grass so she wouldn't be seen. "Bolt, you can lead because you're the best hunter." She whispered. "And also I don't like to lead." She continued shyly, tensing up. She looked back at Bolt, waiting for him to start. She calmed down, focusing on the sound of the waterfall trickling down the rocks and the deer. This will be that deer's
last few moments she thought.

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jessie500
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Sat Dec 15, 2012 8:12 pm

Does what Cat does. "what do i do Cat" whispers to Cat. Sneeks next to Cat. "So what part of the deer to i bite or do what ever" whispers to Cat and Bolt. "I wonder what Cat is thinking cause I have no idea what I'm doing"
Jessie thought. Jessie loses her train of thought.
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Mon Dec 17, 2012 12:34 am

Jessie's Review!

Better as far as grammar goes. You say whispers two different times though. Using a variety of words can make your writing sound better. Also instead of saying Cat over and over, you can say her or she. PRONOUNDS ARE YOUR FRIENDS! Finally whatever is one word.


Back to rp!

Bolt isn't moving, so she decides to just go ahead and lead the way. "The best place to bite is the neck." she answers to Jessie. She stalked the smallest deer and got as close as she could. The long grass helped her get pretty close. She ran up behind the deer and held it down. "Come on guys!" she called to Jessie and Bolt. "Bolt?" she begged hoping someone would help. She wasn't strong. She wouldn't be able to hold it down much longer.

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The Cat came back, the very next day
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Wild and Cat, the wildcat crew
awesomeness by Phoenix
and of coarse little Lullaby too!
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Thu Dec 27, 2012 2:18 pm

Bolt returned mind to the hunt and started moving towards Cat. "Sorry i was wondering something" he said. He jumped on the deer biting it's neck hard. After five mins the elk slowed up and he finaly snaped the deer's neck. The deer fell dawn and Bolt was holding it till it dies. The elk was dead. "You two eat first" he said gently steping back to let Cat and jessie eat.
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Thu Dec 27, 2012 2:37 pm

"Thanks Bolt." she said. Cat chomped on the fresh meat. She was eating so fast, she had to remind herself to save some for Bolt. After she was finished, she was very tired. she went over to the waterfall and went into the cave behind it. She let the rushing current lull her to sleep.

_________________
The Cat came back, the very next day
awesomeness by Karsy
Wild and Cat, the wildcat crew
awesomeness by Phoenix
and of coarse little Lullaby too!
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Bolt
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Thu Dec 27, 2012 3:52 pm

Bolt went to the food eating. When finished licked muzzle from blood and set dawn to Jessie. He was very tired. Bolt was watching the waterfall. Suddenly laid and fell asleep. Bolt was dreaming his past and moved paws or ears a bit in the dream.
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jessie500
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Sat Dec 29, 2012 7:43 pm

Jessie stands there thinking. When she finished thinking Jessie took a bite out of the meet. "YUM!!!" she finished her food and went to the water fall to get a drink. Jessie herd snoring. She saw Cat behind the waterfall in the cave. Jessie went in the cave and slept next to Cat and as quick as a cheata Jessie fell asleep. Jessie woke up feeling thursty. "I need to drink something." she whispers as quiet as she could. Jessie took a drink from the waterfall and fell asleep next to Cat again.
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Sat Dec 29, 2012 9:02 pm

Jessie's review!

Nice post! You're getting better. First off, again we must go through your spelling and grammar issues

1. You said meet when you should have said meat

2. you said herd when you should have said said heard

3. You spelled cheata instead of cheetah

4. You need to stay in the same tense for the whole post. About half of what you said was in past tense and the other half in present tense.

5. You spelled thursty instead of thirsty

6. You missed a few punctuation marks and it made it a bit confusing

Now that that is over with, we get into the real depth of the rp.

1. I liked how you used a simile (if only you could spell it right)

2. Love how this post is longer

3. It doesn't really give me much to work with. Sometimes you need to throw something in to make it a little exiting.

4. When you said you were thinking, it would have been nice to here what you were thinking about.
___________________________________________________________________________

Back to rp!

Cat opens her eyes and finds Jessie sleeping by her side. Aww! How cute! she thought to herself. She gently picked the pup up in her mouth, trying not to wake her up. She stood up and set the pup down to let it sleep a while longer. She decided to get out of the cave to talk to Bolt, but he was asleep too.

Wild nears a waterfall for a well deserved drink. He had been traveling for days, with nothing to show for it. He caught the smell of other wolves. Three of them to be exact. He had improved his sense of smell by training it with his dad. His father would hide something and he had to sniff it out. The mere thought of this made him homesick, which was funny because he had no real home. He had never stayed in a place for more than a week. He avoided the wolves by sneaking around the waterfall, to the other side. He lapped down the water and turned around. Behind where he was standing was a cave. Inside was the third wolf he had smelled, but not seen. "This will make a great snack" He sneered. He went in and grabbed the still sleeping puppy. It squirmed in his mouth, but he ignored her calls. He jumped through the falls, into the lake below. It was deeper than he had thought and his head kept bobbing under the water. When he climbed out he raced past the other two wolves, into the forest.

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The Cat came back, the very next day
awesomeness by Karsy
Wild and Cat, the wildcat crew
awesomeness by Phoenix
and of coarse little Lullaby too!
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jessie500
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Mon Dec 31, 2012 11:38 pm

Jessie's review

Well, SOOORRYY!!! Evil or Very Mad I'M....NOT...A...GOOD...SPELLER!!!!!
____________________________________________________________________________

Back to RP!

Wakes up. Yawns. Hmm...were's Cat? Jessie thought. She see's Bolt still sleeping. "Hm...I guess I could stay with Bolt in the cave or...go outside." Jessie thought out loud. She thought and thought. Jessie pased back and forth. Hmm I'm getting lost here, how about i wake him up so i could ask him. Jessie thought. "Bolt wake up." Jessie whisperd to Bolt then shook him.


Last edited by jessie500 on Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:36 pm; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : Fixing mistakes and Adding stuff too)
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:16 pm

Jessie's review.

I'm not even going to go over this. Wild took you away in his mouth he is going to eat you. You need to read the the rp's carefully and make sure they make sense together. You also have to look at the colors. I use white when I'm Cat, Orange when I'm wild, and violet when I'm Lullaby. I'm going to have you redo it before Bolt or I post. Okay?

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Wild and Cat, the wildcat crew
awesomeness by Phoenix
and of coarse little Lullaby too!
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jessie500
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Tue Jan 01, 2013 8:05 pm

Jessie's review

Ok ill listen and read careully
____________________________________________________________________________

Back to rp!

"What's going on?!" Jessie asked the wolf grabing her. "Who are you? LET ME GO! I wanna go back with my friends!" Jessie asked and paniced. THINK JESSIE THINK!!
Got an idea.
Jessie thought. Jessie tried to wiggle her way out of the wolf's mouth. "Ok new plan." Jessie said failing at wiggling out of the wolfs mouth. "Hey you talk to the claws!" Jessie said with her claws ready to attack. Jessie scratched the wolf on the snout and tried to escape while attacking. "LET ME GO!!!" Jessie srceamed at the wolf. "YOU WILL PAY!"
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Tue Jan 01, 2013 10:05 pm

Jessie's review!

Much much better Jess. This was really good. Only a few grammar stuff, but otherwise really really good!
____________________________________________________________________________

"Stop struggling! Can't you see it's useless?" Wild replied. He took a second to take a breath. Then he realized he was breathing through his mouth. "Hey come back here!" he shouted. "Oh, never mind. I'll find an easier meal." he said still huffing. He could easily have caught it if he actually tried, but he was just too lazy. He'll settle for some scraps.

Cat rushed into the woods after Jessie. Soon she lost his trail. "Jessie?" she howled. "I'm right here you're going to be okay!"

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awesomeness by Phoenix
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Thu Jan 03, 2013 2:15 pm

Bolt woke up hearing all the noice. "What the..." he yawned still sleepy. He is rested now and full with energy. "Jessie? What is going on" and saw a wolf that was going to eat her. He growled at jumped ifront of Jessie protecting her. Bolt snarled at the wolf and called Cat to come take Jessie alway.
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Sat Jan 05, 2013 3:22 am

Thanks nat! Wink
____________________________________________________________________________

Back to RP

"BOLT! GOOD YOUR HERE! Were is Ca...wait i heard her howl! Come on Bolt follow me I remember were the howl came from and I smell her!" Jessie said to Bolt pointing to the sound the howl came from. "Come on watch my back Bolt." Jessie said run towerd the sent of Cat. See's her in the woods. "Cat over here!" Jessie yelled at Cat.


Last edited by jessie500 on Sat Jan 05, 2013 3:24 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : fixing)
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Sat Jan 05, 2013 3:26 pm

"Ok" he followed after Jessie protecting her from the wolf. He was wondering where was Cat also. He was following behind covering her back from stranger wolves while Jessie calls Cat.
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Sat Jan 05, 2013 4:53 pm

Jessie's review!

I got three major things to say.

1.) RUN ON SENTECES! I'll give an example. "Come on Bolt follow me I remember were the howl came from and I smell her!" I would change it like this. "Come on Bolt, follow me! I remember where the howl came from and I smell her!

2.) You keep switching between first person and third person. You need to stay in third person for the whole post. NEVER SAY I!!!!!!!!!

3.) You are getting much better. After the time travelers and wings events are over I'm going to let you rejoin the regular rp!

_________________________________________________________________________

Cat runs after Jessie and Bolt, meeting them in the middle. "I think the wolf is gone." she reassured the pup. "It's all going to be alright. What did he look like?" she asked.




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Wild and Cat, the wildcat crew
awesomeness by Phoenix
and of coarse little Lullaby too!
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Sat Jan 05, 2013 5:28 pm

Jessie's review

LIKE I SAID I'M NOT GOOD AT SPELLING OR GRAMER!!!!!! IF I UNDER LINE SOMETHING THEN IT WILL NEED TO BE FIXED I THINK!
____________________________________________________________________________

Back to RP

"I don't remember." she says rubing her head. "Lets just go home please I'm not use to the woods." she said to Cat and Bolt. Plus I don't remember were to go. she thought. Jessie heard her tummy growl. "Do any of you have extra food with you?" she said to both of them. She saw a rabbit and stayed down to the ground, she got closer and then attacked it then, bit it. "Mmmm!" she said rubing her tummy.
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Sun Jan 06, 2013 12:44 am

Jessie's review!

What you thought was wrong was really okay. Still a few run on sentences and typos, but I won't go through them all. I'll only go into the rp problems. The first thing that bugs me is that it would be very difficult for a wolf to rub it's stomach. Also I would like you do describe the hunt more that just "she attacked it and bit it" Overall though, pretty good.
____________________________________________________________________

"Nice job!" she shouted to Jessie, looking at her kill. "Now let's go back." she told her and trotted out of the forest, to the waterfall. She sniffed the other wolf's footprints. I'll remember his sent and if he ever comes back I swear I'll kill him. She doubted she would really kill him, but she knew she would try. His sent was soft. Very faint, as if he'd used something to get it off of him. Once she arrived at the falls, she stopped and took a drink.

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The Cat came back, the very next day
awesomeness by Karsy
Wild and Cat, the wildcat crew
awesomeness by Phoenix
and of coarse little Lullaby too!
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PostSubject: Re: Jessie's rp training!   Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:42 pm

sorry for double posting, but Jessie feel free to join the regular rp when your ready.

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